WHAT NOT TO SAY: Better Yet WHAT TO SAY (Post 146)

MONDAY, MARCH 7

Post 146

The unspoken word never does harm.

Louis Kossuth

I have missed writing to you! Due to an assorted mix of health issues, the monthly GRM Blog has not been entered since November! No, the above quote does not connect with my Blog absence … but over time, there have been many opportunities wherein I might have wanted to reply to comments with such a statement.

On the other hand, what someone might say could be of great help, either by support, encouragement, or understanding. Note: could!

Let’s take Harry S Truman’s quote on parent-child relationships.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children
is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Working with a person toward recovery (all kinds) entails this approach… and at the same time, asking too many questions may become an inquisition. How do we communicate caring without oppressing? How do we open – and keep open – true dialogue?

From Henrik Ibsen, here’s another thought to keep in mind, as well.

A thousand words leave not the same deep print as does a single deed.

Recently, I came across suggestions for persons who want to extend help to those caring for loved ones affected by debilitating conditions. I could see several similarities within the lives of individuals dealing with family members in addiction. Perhaps, the following might prompt ways to support love and care.

From:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/be-a-true-friend-to-a-family-caregiver-167934.htm

How to Support a Friend Who Is a Caregiver

The following tips may give you some insight into what you can do to help your friend as they devote a good portion of their time, energy and funds to their loved one. (Remember to take this as general advice since every caregiver and every care situation is unique.)

[My comments will be included in italics. For additional information within each tip, go to the above web page. It’s well worth reading!]

· Listen attentively.

o As we say in GRM, listen with your whole heart! Edit YOUR “solutions” before they ever get expressed. Give them the awareness that you are really listening. Express your care!

· Don’t tell horror stories.

o Who likes bad news – especially after heart wrenching decisions. The caregiving family has more concerns and worries than can be imagined.

· Don’t be judgmental.

o Those on the outside don’t know all that the family has been through – and are facing … much less the entire medical issues.

o Ask what they need.

o Expect that folks may hesitate to initiate calls for help … and extend your offers more than once. I’m going to the grocery store; can I pick up a few items for you?

· Offer the gift of your time.

o Family caregiving is full-time … especially if there is no convenient way to run errands, meet with a friend, or just take a walk! Even one hour of standing in for them while they get some fresh air is priceless gift!

· Give your friend space.

o There are numerous issues and decisions to face and make. Nothing may seem to be automatic anymore. Be respectful of the heavy load your friend is carrying

· Bring food.

o I particularly like the suggestion within the above web page: “This can be a full meal, a main dish or a dessert” and know if there are any “dietary restrictions” Our offerings to caregivers do not have to be large or a complete meal. Modest treats are experienced as a special 6-course dinner, regardless of their size!

· Offer to take your friend out—and help arrange respite care.

· That last part is necessary – especially if you want your friend to feel at ease. The ‘standing-in’ person has to be one of trust. Otherwise, the outing with your friend will not be one of quality. Stick to the promised time scheduled, also!

· Don’t make more work for them.

· Remember, family caregiving is full-time. There never seems to be enough time … and schedules get re-scheduled on a regular basis. Getting ready for company may pose more stress than we could ever expect.

· Keep them feeling included.

o Just being included with family/ friend-updates says, You’re still important to us. Be realistic about the invitations: time, place, and respite care are all important considerations to caregivers.

It’s the Thought That Counts

As with nearly everything that has to do with caregiving, there is no guarantee that you, as a friend, will always do the right thing. Don’t feel guilty if you’ve neglected your friend or done something ‘wrong.’ Just keep trying to nurture your friendship in every practical way that you can …”

[The bottom line for ALL OF US is to remember that] “What they need most is to know and feel that someone truly cares about them.”

Blessings,

Rev. Janet Jacobs, CCGSO

Founding Director

Gambling Recovery Ministries

https://www.grmumc.org

855-926-0761

For more information on the IGCCB Clergy/Lay Minister Certification visit:

www.igccb.org

From IGCCB’s Resources for Coping with COVID 19:

https://personcenteredtech.com/tmh/clients (Online therapy preparation for clients)
https://gambling.easywebinar.live/replay (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)
https://youtu.be/dYUEjIFtT8E (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)

For more information on gambling disorder and recovery issues, go to: