DELAYED GRIEF: AND A “NEW” YEAR (Post 174)

January 12, 2025

As a new year dawns, we stand before an open door. Looking through its arch, we see all things new. Behind us the door is closing, closing forever … sealed to everything save our memories.**
E. Paul Hovey

** Yes, here I go again: there [above] is wisdom expressed - but also my questioning. First, the old year does close – it certainly no longer is 2024. Yet contracts, payments, significant dates, work requirements, medical appointments, and such, are still intact. Surely, Mr. Hovey, the turning of a calendar page does not dismiss obligations that keep the normalcy of our lives operating sufficiently. Rather it’s the memories that you emphasized – and rightly so. December’s Post 173 geared attention to dealing with grief during the holidays. Now, in January minus holiday distractions, those memories of loved ones passed, relationships broken, jobs lost, properties destroyed, or other sources of sadness may gain closer attention.

Certainly, I don’t purport to present do-lists, or even specific expectations on managing grief issues. Grief is personal - and grief is necessary. We humans were created with emotions, needs, and thinking abilities. Each of us is personally our own individual. How we perceive life experiences affects us uniquely. How we handle grief, again, becomes an individual matter. Still, I need to include the encouragement to seek professional help if the grief you are experiencing is altering your life in debilitating and adversely meaningful ways. Grief counseling can help!

Rather, I am just sharing today. Once more, my grief experiences are mine – and they are not meant to be placed on some kind of grief-handling scale for this Post. Plus it is not a contest: what you have gone through in life is your specific experience. I have spoken and spiritually counseled many people; and I have officiated at numerous funerals … blessedly, each situation is about the individual.

Believe me, every man [woman/child] has his [her] own secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man [woman/child] cold when he [she] is only sad.

Longfellow

My mother died. Her heart basically exploded. She was in the hospital for a dangerously heavy case of the winter flu that had been going around. Her condition improved and she was awaiting the already arranged transfer from ICU to a regular room when it happened without warning. I was at long distance and had promised her that I’d be there to care for her at home once she was discharged. The shock of her sudden death threw me into great grief. Other than my husband, Mother was my best friend. I missed her phone calls. I missed her regular letters. I just missed her. Two of my local friends were great listeners. Although their parents were still living, they continued to open their hearts to my sadness. They loved their own parents deeply and could identify as they stepped into my shoes.

You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building nests in your hair. Chinese Proverb

At first, my immediate response was that I wished it were decades into the future so that I would not have to endure the present intense pain of sorrow. As time passed, and with the help of companionship from my above-mentioned friends, the grief started to become less shocking. The level of sadness, although steadily felt, began eventually, to allow me to keep pace with community and volunteer responsibilities.

One evening following a meeting and ready to drop off another attendee at her home, the lady said that she wanted to talk to me. She addressed my grief and generically stated that it was time for me to get over the feelings I was experiencing … polar opposite to my ever listening, caring friends! They never shied away from my sadness nor gave me un-asked-for advice. This happened more than 30 years ago; and still, I can vividly recall their caring patience and gentle, warm responses.

So where does delayed grief come into this discussion? Often, I hear that grief can come harder and more clearly during the second year following an unexpected personal tragedy. In such cases, some say that shock prevails during the first year. Adjusting to a totally unprepared-for situation then diverts attention to the many basic matters at hand. New roles and responsibilities most likely become immediately necessary. Everything happens at once and there is no set-aside time to grieve.

Furthermore, one’s own or others’ expectations about grief may have a strong influence on how to act. Put-upon timelines for grieving could influence outward actions as well as inward responses. Setting a clear cut total amount of time for grieving might very well disregard the actual level of relationship lost. Purposely putting on a happy face and/or back-to-normal conversations - contrary to inner feelings – can shut the door on honest communication. Thus opportunities for caring words, support, and truly addressing the loss become limited or possibly nonexistent.

Then too, it’s the anniversary dates that hold promise for triggering grief attacks. A friend recently shared that it has been a year now of firsts with both parents gone: birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I respect those special times with their potential for stronger emotions and recalling poignant memories. My dad continued to carry out a tradition that he and Mother had: lighting a candle at suppertime on the birthday of a past loved one. Another person shared that she sent a contribution in memory of a loved one on his birthday. Moreover, I think I’ll wear my last gift from Mom on her upcoming birthday date. Following a comforting tradition or doing something new can be another way to proactively get in touch with one’s emotions - and to celebrate another’s contributions to your own life journey.

For a further, more in depth read on grief, SAMHSA has provided the helpful online article, “ Grief and Bereavement: What Psychiatrists Need to Know” by Syndey Zisook and Katherine Shear

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2691160/pdf/wpa020067.pdf

Blessings to you throughout this new year,

Rev. Janet Jacobs, CCGSO

Founding Director

Gambling Recovery Ministries

https://www.grmumc.org

855-926-0761

For more information on the IGCCB Clergy/Lay Minister Certification visit:

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From IGCCB’s Resources for Coping with COVID 19:

https://personcenteredtech.com/tmh/clients (Online therapy preparation for clients)
https://gambling.easywebinar.live/replay (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)
https://youtu.be/dYUEjIFtT8E (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)

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