HOLIDAY GRIEF: A REAL ISSUE (Post 173)
December 9, 2024
God make your year a happy** one- not by shielding you from all sorrow and pain, but by strengthening you to bear it if it comes; not by making your path easy, but by making you sturdy enough to tread the path.
- Cleland B. McAfee
** Yes, Mr. McAfee did use the word happy but I need to respond, at least, a wee bit. Yes, again: we would all desire a happy year … still this wording leaves me with wanting to find another adjective or expression. A quick look at Google’s listing of happy synonyms affirms that such descriptions vary widely from can’t complain to tickled pink. Nevertheless, a re-read of McAfee’s quote moves us closer to the topic of grief. As we approach a holiday season picturing happy times and greatly anticipated traditions, how do we realistically get through the upcoming days if – instead – we are enduring a personal era of sorrow and pain (physical, emotional, mental)?
Notice, I included personal. Indeed, we can be alone in grief or there can be shared grief. Regardless, grief is a personal response – a season of life, fresh or longer-lasting. Waves of grief can come and go (sometimes unexpectedly) as my dad once told me. For sure, grief is real; and how can we personally respond to merry and bright cheer in the midst of a personal season?
Moreover, let me be clear: there can be single or multiple reasons to grieve. Losses from death are just starters, in addition to debilitating illness, employment issues, geographical moves, friendship/family problems, addiction (personal or another’s), and financial crises to name a few.
Therefore, I look to the pros to help those of us who are currently dealing with active grief. The following ideas are accompanied by their respective resource(s). I encourage you to check out the writers’ expanded topics of information on dealing with grief and to tailor-make these suggestions to fit your own circumstances.
SUGGESTIONS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT GRIEF
** “Trust and Patience: Both of these are essential as you attempt to define your new course in life. Trust that you know what is good for you, remember (1) try to be patient and gentle with yourself (2) there is no one way or right way to grieve (3) don’t judge yourself or compare your grief to another’s grief (4) try to accept and receive the caring and support that is available to you.” Kimberly Creel, Bereavement Coordinator, The Care Team: Home, Health, and Hospice, Carmel Indiana
** “If you are stuck on the gloom of the disrupted or altered traditions, keep these things in mind: (1) Small Rituals Are Just as Important as Larger Traditions. [EXAMPLE] Hosting a family meal may be too much this year but you can ask friends their favorite cookies, bake the cookies, and deliver the cookies for their holiday meal. Just like larger traditions, there is still kindness, love, and importance in small rituals. (2)Tradition doesn’t have to be perfect … (3) Change doesn’t have to be permanent … you can always reinstate an old tradition in the future (4) You have an opportunity to find meaningful and lasting ways to remember your loved ones and allow them to continue to play a role in your family celebration.” www.whatsyourgrief.com
** “ The 12 R’s of Handling Holiday Grief
(1) Realize that the holidays will be difficult. Realize that this is a new holiday, unlike any other. (2) Resist the temptation to believe you can just ignore the holiday and it will go away. Also resist the temptation to be alone. (3) Recognize that each person who was affected by a loss may react in different ways than you. (4) Recall the memories of your relationship with your special person. (5) Release your emotions (6) Redefine traditions (7) Reflect on things that are meaningful to you and were meaningful in your relationship. (8) Reconnect spiritually with your special person. (9) Remember to be kind to yourself (10) Reassure those around you that you are not going crazy, only grieving. (11) Reach out to someone else (12) Rest because grief work is exhausting.” 1999 joleneformaini
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES (suggested by The Care Team)
Healing Your Holiday Grief:100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration During the Holiday Season by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions by Robert C. De Vries
Grief in Our Seasons A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion by Kerry Olitzky
Surviving Holidays, Birthdays, and Anniversaries: A Guide for Grieving During Special Occasions by Brook Noel
How Will I Get Through the Holidays? Ideas for Those Whose Loved One Has Died by James Miller
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help You Through Any Loss by Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams
Finally, there is a downright practical CHECKLIST OF TRADITIONS based off the work by Fitzgerald, H. (2005) in Coping with Holidays and Family Celebrations. Within these lists of holiday traditions, a number of options might even find one smiling in reading an entire gamut of possibilities.
Here is an example:
Decorations: Decorate as usual. Condense your decorating. Ask someone to help decorate. Let others do it. Find ways to honor your loved one. Don’t decorate. Other. Note: each list offers the possibility of Other!
In closing, I do want to give a shout-out to one more option that you may find within your community or nearby. There is a growing trend of special services, usually offered before December 25, that are formatted and designed to address the spiritual needs of grieving and suffering persons in the midst of a heightened holiday season. The emphasis is on the assurance that God is near and with each individual. Referred, also, as The Longest Night Service (remembering that December 21 is the longest night), recognition is affirmed that grief and suffering are real but that one is not alone in the darkness of mourning/loneliness/individual struggles. Dillsboro United Methodist Church (Dillsboro, IN) in Southeastern Indiana will provide a special Blue Christmas Service on Saturday, December 21 at 4:00 PM. May those who attend such services across the nation during this month be comforted and particularly blessed.
Blessings of peace to each of you,
Rev. Janet Jacobs, CCGSO
Founding Director
Gambling Recovery Ministries
855-926-0761
For more information on the IGCCB Clergy/Lay Minister Certification visit:
From IGCCB’s Resources for Coping with COVID 19:
https://personcenteredtech.com/tmh/clients (Online therapy preparation for clients)
https://gambling.easywebinar.live/replay (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)
https://youtu.be/dYUEjIFtT8E (Jody Bechtold telehealth webinar)
For more information on gambling disorder and recovery issues, go to:
www.indianaproblemgambling.org
www.masscompulsivegambling.org